This too shall pass

Children of Janus

I light up a cigarette & peer towards the West. I see yoü & I laughing as the bottle of wine dries up. Your smile could be heard from across the room. Time was so kind to us, gracing us with it’s youth & optimism. I can think of a thousand reasons why I love yoü. The side of your bed kept me warm when the winter crept across our skin & the sky turned gray. I promised to take yoü away when your home lost it’s glory. When your friends had nothing heart warming to say. The ember of my cigarettes burns close to my lips & drop it to the ground. I look to the East only to see you happier than before. Kids run through the saw grass calling out your name. A beautiful house sits near the beach, your dream world has become a reality. The sky is cloud free & the breeze keeps your hair at bay from your gentle face. Time has still called you it’s friend. You have been taken away, but I am no where to be found. I’m not yours anymore. The wine on your shelf rest with a blanket of dust. I can think of a thousand reasons why I would rather die without yoü & I.

Stepping Stone

Lights go out & the animal inside of me waits to be tamed. Shoot these thoughts that dwell in my head. Her soft lips against mine, nails that made my back arch, & touch that made her toes curl. Breath relieves the chill from the night air. Our bodies intertwine & grow with the willow we lay beneath. You are home. The sun rises & no religion can save me. You rise with it & the trouble that can’t be named arrives with the rays of light. Light on her feet as she does her dance. Toes cause ripples of light as they touch the crisp grass turning it to water. Baby, i’m lost at sea with tides that I can’t swim. Whipped & whirled till I hit the bottom. My sad song is heard by no one. Day draws to an end & she falls into the sea she danced so gracefully on. Her light begins to fade. Ever so quickly I lift her on my shoulders & she reaches for the branches of the willow. All her weight snaps the fragile arms of the tree. With her foot rested on my head she is safe. I breathe not. My light dims as hers joins the stars in the sky. With the sun to only rise again, water recedes, & she begins her dance. A rush of blood reaches my head. The hands on the clock stop for no one and these walls are coming up on me fast. I’ll never love again until you give me a reason to love. Nothing else compared. Burning gaze as she frolics across the puddles in the field with the trouble that I dare not mention. Water boils off my skins & the willow welts in the heats. Burst of flames rise in the field & do things to you in return of my pain. I love her & i’m going to watch her burn. Her sad song is mumbled from the crackling flames. I sit in the parched soil & a tear gathers momentum down my cheek. Hits the earth with a thud & watch as a sprout rises from the ground. A cute giggle catches my attention. She tells me her name.

sometimes I want to tell you how I feel. I want to tell you exactly what you do to me, without doing anything at all. It’s a strange attraction, being addicted to the thought of being with someone. It’s like I crave every bit of you. I want to know everything about you. Just to one night sit under the stars when it’s warm and share secrets. Possibly share a few laughs, and if I’m lucky I’ll give you a kiss. I’ll trace patterns into your arm as we lay together, thinking of absolutely nothing. That’s what I wish. To think of absolutely nothing with you. To sit, and just be content absorbed in your atmosphere. I want you to blind me with your beauty. I want you to do nothing but hold my hand and tell me your secrets. I want to know you, not for how everyone else knows you, but for how you know yourself. I want to know all of your bad habits and your shameful past times. I want to be trapped in the thought of you, and for you to lend me the key to your heart. 

Maybe some day, you’ll let me have it permanently. 

In The Mist

Last week someone told me, “I forgot how much I like you.” What a nice text right? Well I never really liked them so I brushed it off. It seems this week it’s starting to cut deep in my conscious. I think i’m realizing no matter how many people I have helped, became friends with, or just talked to, they seem to forget about me all together. Most just miss the thought of me or the feeling they had when they knew me. Just a personal rant.

What happens when you’re constantly caught in the same trap? You know that something isn’t good for you, but you accept it anyways and move on, ya know? It’s like you have become so desensitized from these things and end up getting caught in this circle of constantly falling and never standing up. It’s a roller coaster built for only the toughest and most willing. Well my friend, I am broken and I am scared. I can no longer run without stopping, hoping that my nightmares won’t follow me. I can no longer make myself try to feel something when anything happens. I am finally numb. There’s no more hope for me.

In my dream world, there would be no traps. There would be no one to hold me back. And there would definitely not be any bad surprises. 

Exhausted

When you say that word it actually sounds like what it is. Just saying it makes you feel the meaning. I love words that can just completely describe how you feel without question. I realized after saying it over & over to myself, I am flat out exhausted. I have no motivation to make new friends or continue with the ones I have now. It’s not like I am antisocial. I’m always talking in school & socializing but when I get home I just want to curl up in my bed, put my head phones in, close my eyes, & enter my dream world. I’m about to graduate from high school & all my best friends live in Florida. I can’t name one person that I talk to every night or someone I share my thoughts with. Since the new year I have vented to God more than anyone else & to be honest I don’t like that. I’d rather have to human interaction but can’t seem to connect with anyone. I feel like every bridge is burnt & no one sees the smoke to rescue me. Ironically I really think subconsciously I don’t want to be. When I enter my dream world, i’m always alone. I dream of having my own island with a beautiful tuscan styled house & a wine cellar. The smell of that fresh paint on the walls & the ocean breeze waking me up in the morning. Rolling out of my bed that has too many pillows & over sized bleach white comforters. Hearing the seagulls as i’m drinking my coffee on the porch & writing poetry. This is my dream world. I don’t dream of love anymore, i’m starting to believe that it isn’t for me. Art & writing seems to be my everlasting love. Can I complain? Art won’t decide not to be there for me & writing won’t end all communication with me, like people have. These things won’t leave my side, in a way they are my comfort zones. I guess I just have to except this change & see where it guides me, i’m too tired to fight it. 

I’ve never addressed what my dream world would look like. I never really think about it. I’m to caught up in the real world to dream..but here’s my attempt.

In my dream world, the sky would stay blue and full of beautiful fluffy clouds. There would be rain showers and never be any less dark or dreary. It wouldn’t get cold, and it wouldn’t be poluted. Everyone would know they are beautiful. There wouldn’t be hate. There would be no such thing as divorce or abandonment. There would be no such thing as world hunger or poverty. There would be no bad days. Only good ones. There would be a million stars lighting up the sky no matter how much the street lights try to fight it. I’d be able to lay out in the sun all day long with a never ending stack of books. I wouldn’t have to hide what I’m really like to anyone. I’d just be Meghann. I wouldn’t have to try to explain over and over to my mom that I’m not entirely female. I wouldn’t have to hide my feelings from the only boy I feel like understands me. I would be able to buy things and not have to worry about not eating a meal so my mom doesn’t have to worry. Even though it’s cliche, in my dream world, everything would be beautiful..and nothing would hurt.

Dear lovely souls,

I just want to remind all of my followers & inform my new followers that the main reason I have this blog & my personal blog is for you all to dump your troubles on my shoulders. Rest your tired soul in my arms so you may stand taller than before. I have never known a stranger in my life, so I have endless love for you all. No matter how small the problem may be, you are more than welcome to tell me, even if you just want to vent. I will never post our conversation. It will be buried with me six feet under. I know my blog is filled with Gaga but I promise you, you all come first. I hope that if you are reading this, you will remember this & take me up on this offer. 

Much love, Trav xoxo

My Last Care

To be perfectly honest, there have been quite a few nights when I lay my heavy head down, I think just for a second that when I close my wary eyes would it be so bad if they didn’t open? Not as in I wish to die but a deep slumber sounds so good. To disconnect myself from the world. Not hear of any problems. Not one emotion run through my mind. I wouldn’t think of you so much, so maybe I would miss you less when I awoke. I think Gaga was on to something when she stayed in that vessel for three days, even if she didn’t, it sounds so pleasant to just close yourself off & work on your life. In my dream world I just want to enter a slumber, whether it’s for day, weeks, or years when my emotions seem to go unchecked. I can’t think of the last time I did something to make me happy or even looked in the mirror & appreciated who I am. To be perfectly honest what scares me the most is I just don’t care. How bitter sweet is it, that the people who smile & laugh the most are the ones who have the most pain. I should care about my happiness but I just don’t have the eternal drive to do so. To be perfectly honest I don’t know how to. I love my friends so much & live to make them happy but it’s a double edged sword. When they are happy they don’t me, therefor they don’t need me. If I can’t make someone else happy, my happiness seems to go unchecked.